I haven’t updated in awhile, mostly because I haven’t had too much to say. Things are going really well. I’ve been very busy and my life has been filled with the normal stresses, mostly not transition related at all. I’ve gotten past the “getting to know you” stage with most of the people at school so I feel much more relaxed and comfortable. When it comes to gender, first impressions are crucial. People usually don’t look too deeply or question anything after that. I’m no longer as worried about being outed or fitting in. Making friends has gotten easier, and as I’ve gotten to know the people around me (particularly the guys) I’ve realized that they aren’t nearly as hyper-masculine and intimidating as I thought they were. The guy who likes fantasy football also plays the sims and the guy who loves sports is also a sensitive feminist. So, things are good.
The only real negative thing going on in my life is that my dysphoria has gotten worse over the past month. I think the increased anxiety from being really busy at school probably has something to do with it, since I think my dysphoria ebbs and flows with my moods. I’m mostly unhappy with the way my clothes fit me, and watch enviously as guys whose jeans fit them well walk by me every day with their narrow hips and small thighs. Despite being on testosterone for two years, my hips, butt, and thighs are still noticeably larger than the average cis guy. My partner took my measurements recently because I’m in the market for a suit and my butt is larger than hers (mine is 40″ around, while my hips are 32″ around, which I thought was interesting because I wear size 30 pants and those fit fine….). I’m just frustrated because I don’t know what to do about it. I’m not entirely sure if my issue is fat or something else. My lower body is very muscular and so I don’t really think that it’s something that working out could help. I don’t work out much at all, but I do lift weights occasionally and walk quite a bit.
Instead of working out, I mostly try to fix my dysphoria by finding clothes that fit me well and are flattering. That’s sort of been my tactic against dysphoria since I first started socially transitioning. Buying men’s clothes is still a little exciting for me, even though I’ve been wearing them for so long. It’s exciting, but also frustrating. I’ve spent a lot of money on clothes since I started to transition. First I had to build a wardrobe from scratch and then I had to replace a lot of my clothes when I started testosterone and my shoulders broadened and my body changed. I’m still left with a lot of clothes that fit me poorly, many of my shirts are either oversized are undersized. It doesn’t help that my body is unusually shaped. I’m short with average sized shoulders and an average sized midsection but larger hips and short arms. This makes finding button down shirts a nightmare, since the ones that fit the rest of me are usually too tight around my hips and the ones that fit my hips are way too long. Beyond all that, I waffle between wanting to put on baggy clothes that will hide my body and tighter clothes that won’t make my lower half look bigger than it is. Thus I’ve ended up with both more clothes than I need and hardly any clothes that are just right. I probably need to get things tailored, but I don’t even know where to start with that. I’m wondering if other trans* guys shop to combat dysphoria and how that works for them.
Anyway, this is turning into kind of a depressing post. I’m actually really happy with a lot of things about myself. I really love that I can grow facial hair and that my voice is deeper and the way my upper body looks. I’m definitely way happier than I was pre-T, there’s no question of that. Testosterone just isn’t a cure-all for dysphoria. The testosterone is still working it’s magic, though. I’m hopeful that I’ll continue to experience changes, particularly fat redistribution. I don’t expect to look like a male model, but I’d like to feel a little less self-conscious.