Who knows? Who doesn’t know?- Being Stealth is Sometimes Stressful

I don’t want to sound like a broken record, but I’m constantly paranoid that somehow people know I’m trans. I know, I know, my voice is deep, I have facial hair, and it probably wouldn’t even cross most people’s minds because they are totally oblivious to trans* people. Still, I wonder. Recently I was having dinner with some friends and somehow it came up that Warren Beatty and Annette Bening have a transgender son. I froze, nervous that it was coming up because the guy I was talking to was trying to subtly figure out if I was trans too. I need to stop overthinking things.

Part of my concern is that I assume that queer people’s gaydar must extend to transdar (is there even such a thing). I’m used to being a big queer billboard, so I feel like people can read on my face that I love Hedwig and the Angry Inch and that I’ve done drag and run a gay-straight-alliance. Of course, these things are no more apparent by looking at me than the fact that I took French in high school. It’s not written on me somewhere, it’s something I need to share with people for them to know. Another worry I have is that I’m concerned about my online presence. At first I was confident that no one would stalk me enough to connect the dots. I mean, if you do some serious digging you could probably find out my birth name, find my youtube, etc. It’s like like trans* stuff comes up when you google my name, but there’s stuff out there. Not only that, but I’m sure there’s something to tip someone off on my facebook. I’m finding that some of my new friends have a tendency to stalk professors and such online, so I can only assume they took a good look at what I’ve got out there. Thus the anxiety.

I guess it’s not a big deal if people know, though. If anyone does know, they haven’t given me trouble about it or passed it around. The reasons I’m stealth are for my personal safety and because I was tired of being the token trans* person and being treated differently all the time. Right now, it’s serving both of those purposes, so I shouldn’t be concerned.  I sat through a lecture on gender the other day without everyone turning around and looking at me or calling on me to educate them by answering personal questions about my body or my life story. Again and again I’m glad that I’m stealth. It is abundantly clear that a lot of the people around me are very ignorant about LGBTQ issues (not my friends or professors, but people living in town and a lot of the undergrads), and I really wouldn’t feel safe living here as an out trans person. It frustrates me to not be educating people sometimes, but I also realize that it would just be a drop in a bucket. Besides, being born transgender does not mean it has to always be my job to educate people, and I’ve already done plenty of that in my life.

Things are getting better on the friendship front, in any case. I’ve made a couple of solid friends, and yes, some of them are guys.

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